Emotions erupting, like a volcano, can have devastating consequences.
Let’s recap on how volcanoes erupt.
They erupt because of pressure. An enormous amount of pressure to the earth’s plates, combined with the friction of them rubbing together (with no relief) results in an eruption of lava.
What does this have to do with emotions?
Being triggered with a lack of emotional maturity and suppressed emotions is likely to result in an emotional eruption.
The majority of my childhood was pressurised. My body found ways to cope so it was normalised – I didn’t know I should feel any different than what I did.
Until I started healing in my 30s, I was completely unaware. I was wired for pressure. So much so that not being under pressure felt abnormal.
I spent years, unconsciously, creating situations, to feel pressure which was just me in a seriously dysregulated state.
The beauty of awareness
This awareness led me to stop saying things like “I thrive under pressure”.
I get the ick when I come across this as a requirement for a job now because no thank you.
But acknowledgment was only the first step in being aware. Knowing isn’t enough. I naively thought that knowing and having tools was enough.
I told myself I was good. But tools are useless if you don’t have practice using them, especially in the moments when you need them most.
The day I was triggered beyond comprehension and completely erupted was a BIG shift for me.
Having replayed the situation, I saw a very hurt woman who gave into her anger with no regard for consequences.
F it mode was in full activation and there was only “make em feel!”.
I was livid and needed to do SOMETHING!
Now, I’m not justifying my actions or saying it was ok but it is what it is – and noone was physically hurt!
But here’s why go-to tools are key!
They can help bring you back from the ledge, if you’ve used them enough and of course CHOOSE to use them.
I did try to use them but my need to inflict a smidgen of the pain that I felt was stronger.
I had options and I CHOSE the “worst” of the bunch.
1. Phone a trusted friend – wasn’t ready to share my humiliation yet.
2. Sit with my emotions and allow them to pass – that felt passive and my ego was LOUD!
3. Take aligned action – my action was only aligned with the emotion that was most present. RAGE.
Here’s why I don’t shame or beat myself up about this though
I’ve forgiven myself.
Despite my behaviour and actions not being aligned with the woman I am today, I totally get why I did what I did back then.
So how to prevent being this triggered again?
Well if you’ve involved another party in your actions and you’re genuinely sorry — hold yourself accountable and apologise.
Don’t let guilt or shame prolong this because the longer you leave it, the harder it becomes. When apologising do your best to come from a place of complete ownership. We do what we do because of how we feel not what other people do. No matter how dark or out of character, own your shit.
Reflect for you.
With grace & compassion. It’s never as black and white as it seems. What was really going on for you? Journal. Voice note. Talk it out with someone you trust to hold you accountable and who loves you unconditionally (if you don’t have this person, be this for yourself using the above methods).
Forgive yourself.
One of the obstacles to healing is the suppressed feelings of shame, guilt and/or embarrassment. All coming from this belief that a mistake or wrong step is definitive of who you are.
I personally refuse to fall into this trap anymore.
I’ve learned that most times those judging you, including yourself, are doing so from this place of avoiding their own guilt, shame, embarrassment.
You can have compassion for a person without condoning and judging their behaviour. But usually only if you extend that to yourself.
It’s all a work in progress.
I feel like a broken record but I say it so that you can remember, and to remind myself, that healing is not linear. But just because it isn’t doesn’t mean we don’t do the work.
In fact, it’s even more reason to do the work.
You’re worthy of unconditional love and forgiveness!
