The Bath Nightmare...
It was a nightmare.
It didn’t really happen.
So why do I keep having it?
Count sheep, distract, think about something else.
Forgotten…
Then it popped back up, years after not having it…
Remember this nightmare, it’s not real. It’s just a nightmare.
Anytime it randomly popped up this was my process.
Painful & Ugly Truths
Under the guise of showing me how to clean myself, at the age of 7, my dad molested me.
The vivid image of him sat on the toilet seat in his black leather jacket still catches me. I remember him looming over me as I sat in the bath.
I didn’t need nor want his help.
I remember the pain and the burning.
The taking over to minimise, whilst he continued to watch me 🤮
I had a love-hate relationship with Dove soap after that. And him.
To this day men with long fingernails, or any length to their nails, makes me want to heave. I know I need to heal this. It’s only when I started writing this post that I connected the dots!
For anyone that knows about the body, vagina’s are self-cleaning. In fact there needs to be more education around this, as there’s A LOT of miseducation out there. But I digress.
It shouldn’t need to be said but David Smith should be told that products nor adult fingers should be inserted into a child’s!
He didn’t even live with us so I can’t recall why he was there. Or where my mother was…
But I do recall going straight to bed (numb), squeezing my eyes shut and repeating over and over again…
It’s a nightmare. It’s not real. It’s a nightmare. It’s not real.
Until I believed it!
I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up knowing that this had been a really bad dream!
28 Years Later
28 years later, I can accept that it was in fact very real.
What I’m also trying to accept is that I could’ve been protected from this happening to me. This wasn’t the first time.
When I was 5 I disclosed abuse.
So my Mum knew.
For all those years she knew…
I’ve been told that there were a couple phone calls (to him and his mother), which resulted in a short period of no contact, but other than that it was pretty much swept under the carpet never to be spoken about again.
This truth, repressed until 2021, brought the bath incident to life again and I knew that the survival mechanism that I had adopted was no longer going to work.
The Sad Reality
The sad reality is that child sexual abuse (CSA) is rampant in many communities. It’s also a sad reality that in many cases it’s overlooked, ignored, and/or swept under the rug.
What’s even more traumatic is when blame and shame are placed on the child. From what I’ve observed in my own families and others, there’s usually a pattern of generational abuse until someone says no more!
In my case it was “swept under the rug” and no support or help was offered. I did ask about this and the response was that I just never spoke about it again.
Many perpetrators go unreported – free to traumatise the next victim.
Or the victim is outcast and blamed for breaking up a family or cast as a liar (this actually happened to someone I know personally).
I believe that those who’ve had to bury their own CSA trauma, or who are themselves perpetrators, are more likely to ignore red flags and shut down disclosures.
They become the women and/or men who call children liars and refuse to accept the real reality that their husband, partner, father, brother, uncle, cousin or whoever (as women can be abusers too) did something so despicable.
For those that say “but children lie” 
It’s actually RARE for a child to make up a story of abuse. And if there’s undisclosed abuse, I 100% guarantee they’re showing signs of it. You just have to pay attention.
A Few Stats...
If you deep it, these stats are actually shocking because this is going off what’s reported! How many go unreported?
One in three children sexually abused by an adult did not tell anyone (Radford, 2011).
Some children did disclose abuse when still young but were not heard or no action was taken (Allnock and Miller, 2013; Lampard and Marsden, 2015).
Over 90% of sexually abused children were abused by someone they knew (Radford, 2011).
There are an estimated minimum of 11 million adult survivors of contact and non-contact child sexual abuse in the UK (Radford et al).
According to Laurens Kids here are a few signs to look out for:
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Child does not want to be around certain adults
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Child suddenly acquires new unexplainable toys, money and clothes
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Regressive behaviours (thumb sucking, bed wetting)
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Fear of previously enjoyed people and places
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Engaging in acting out or delinquent behaviours
This list isn’t extensive but can help if you’re worried about your child or a child you know.
If you have a feeling or hazy memories that you’ve been abused (it will show up in your life if you dare to look) know that healing is possible and necessary if you truly want to feel peace and live the life you desire.
My suggestion is that you seek help, but be as discerning as you can about who you receive help from.
Whether you think it or not, you are VERY vulnerable. There are so many traps and pitfalls out there. In particular, there are people who haven’t done the work but have positioned themselves as healers and helpers that will just add layers for you to have to heal later. Trust me you want to stay clear from them, if you can.
Towards the end of the blog you’ll find links to the programs I’ve been using to heal.
So, What Did I Do to Start Healing?
When my own hazy memory of something happening was confirmed I didn’t have the right tools or people to support me. Despite it all coming up because of inner child work, that particular work wasn’t sufficient. I still remain grateful for it as all the tools that have helped me so far played their part.
Thankfully, I did eventually find Liana Shanti’s Mother & Father Wound programs which dove deeper into the healing I truly needed. This meant I could stop trying to bypass and actually sit with myself and FEEL.
I journaled A LOT! I cried A LOT. I made a lot of mistakes from trauma brain!
I also had to keep going as if all was normal, when in fact it was all crumbling, which didn’t ‘help’, but that’s a blog for another day.
If you’ve been triggered by this post in any way, I invite you to not only seek support but be extremely gentle with yourself. From someone who used to say ‘thank God, “nothing like that” ever happened to me’ I felt many types of ways. Compassion, space and love are priceless at at time like this.
How Am I Coping?
I’ll keep it 100, if you ask me how I’ve gotten through the last couple years, the only answer I have is Jesus.
Of course, I’ve clearly been doing the work, but to still have the level of peace I do, defo Jesus!
And if you know me, you know I’m FAR from religious! So this isn’t that.
But in learning about the true Jesus and with having to keep going as a mother, provider and human, looking back I can only say but for God/Jesus. Cos aint no other way!
Many will say “oh Sab, you’re so strong” but this could have literally finished me (and would have!) if it wasn’t for my faith and the programs that I invested in in 2022. Again, a blog for another day, but with so much literally crumbling around me, I anchored into a very unhealthy relationship.
So the journey has been MESSY!!
But I’ve made it through so far and will keep going until I can look back and say yesss, that’s finally healed!
