I didn’t want the truth, I was deep in denial!
I simply couldn’t handle the truth, let alone be ready to hear it.
Instead of facing my reality I used my words to gut her like a fish.
I did not hold back.
I was brutal.
Because the reality she was attempting to make me aware of was way too painful to accept.
I was pregnant. The lie I then told myself was: she was trying to destroy my family.
Make it make sense!
But it made sense when seeds had been planted and watered and then BAM!
Here she comes with this “truth”.
The facts were, my carefully constructed reality simply could NOT hold up against the reality she had brought to my awareness.
Since then, I’ve learned many things about myself and I want to share two of them with you today.
Firstly, I was a master at deceiving myself because it had become a necessary tool for survival. I had learned that in order to get through life I HAD to put on the rose coloured glasses and only ever see the bright side.
Secondly, I had developed a saviour complex and when it was mirrored back to me I was disgusted! Even outraged, but of course, at the time, I was unaware of this reflection!
You see delusion has its place.
It’s great for creating and being tunnel vision focused.
However, you also need to balance it with your foot firmly stood in truth.
Delusion on its own will have you in pain but pretending that same pain doesn’t exist.
Delusion will have you suffering, but acting like a martyr, because you’re strong and can handle anything life throws at you, right?
The saviour complex aka captain save-a-ho, will have you thinking that it is your DUTY to tell/show people the things they’re not willing, or ready, to see/hear… just because you know, or have seen/heard.
You justify your actions by saying “but I’m just keeping it real”.
Without analysing who you’re working with or questioning your real intentions (and of course this may take some practice).
But before you go “keeping it real”, have you checked on your own skeletons that you’re avoiding? Because let’s keep it 100 (lol) it’s sooo much easier to dig through someone else’s closet than your own!
Have you found yourself, or are you, stuck in a perpetual state of helping others whilst avoiding helping yourself?
These (eventually) were questions I had to answer (amongst others) to get to a point of living in my truth.
And of course, because I am an experiential learner, sometimes (often) taking the scenic route, I learned these “nuances” about myself after another situation (years later) of self-deception and avoidance.
Avoiding pain only leads to more pain.
It’s better to face the pain that is already present, otherwise the likelihood is that more will be accumulated.
And that just means more work to do.
For me awareness didn’t happen overnight. It was a process.
My process was/is a combo of journaling, inner child journeys and the dedication to be my best self (whatever that looked like for the day/week/month).
Start simply – get yourself a journal and choose to be radically honest with yourself over living in denial. I promise you’ll thank yourself later.
Pain, just like the night, doesn’t last forever.
You’re worthy.
Love,
Sabrina x
